an essay on working and parenting, from Heidi, a twentysomething TucsonMama:
Compared to most of the college-educated mothers I know in Tucson, at age 25 I am considered young. Aside from the nervous glances I got at the OB’s office–even though I was 23 when I was pregnant I looked like I was 16–I don’t feel that I am that much different from any other mom-”old” or “young”. I wonder how am I different? How does my age affect my role as a mom? And I came to the conclusion that my age doesn’t affect my role as a mother at all. But I do think it affects the way others view me. When I had my son I guess you could say I was not “settled”. I was newly married, living in an apartment, working full-time at a job, rather than entrenched in a life-long career. I was (still am) at the bottom, working my way up, fresh out of college, still searching for who I am, what I want to be when I grow up. I didn’t necessarily plan on being a young mom, but when I met my husband and got married I felt ready to start a family.Living in today’s world where college-educated mothers are increasingly in their mid to late 30’s and even 40s when they have their first child, sometimes I think maybe I did things backwards. Many college-educated women finish school and start their career before they decide to have a family. They have their home set up, finances in order, they have traveled, enjoyed life to the fullest without a little one in tow. Is this the easier route? I don’t know. Perhaps, a person has a family later in life because they don’t meet their partner until they are older, or because they had not planned on having children at all and at 40 they become pregnant unexpectedly. Whatever the circumstances or however prepared you might feel, I don’t think parenting is easier or harder at any age. We all face many of the same challenges and joys.The part of my life that seems to be most impacted by choosing to have a child at a young age is the way I am viewed in the workforce. Personally, my son is a huge factor in my choice of a career. I don’t want to work forty or more hours a week or have a career that is high stress. When I am not at work, I want to be in the moment with my son and my family. I feel a lot of guilt leaving my son to come to work. I feel torn between a career/attending graduate school and my son. I have not found the happy medium yet. I think, too, about the future. If I were to stay home with my son now and jump back into career mode in five years, would I be ready? Would I be hired at all? I would have gained no career-type experience in years and I think most employers would look down upon that. When my son is older and demands less of my time, perhaps I will crave a career that is more involved than I do now. I don’t want to close on the door on opportunities for the future. Of course, this is not an issue for younger mothers and fathers only. Mothers and fathers at any age are faced with trying to balance work and parenting. To me it has been the biggest hurdle.Although women have come a long way in becoming equal to men in the career field, have mothers? Sometimes I feel like we are seen as irresponsible and unreliable. When my son is sick and unable to go to daycare I have to take time off work. And let me tell you he gets every single virus that goes around the child-care home, and he is sick often. I am sure fathers go through this as well. I know that in my family, however, my husband makes more money than I do because he is able to work overtime and if he loses the hours it affects us financially a lot more than if I miss work. So, time and again I am the one who has to take the brunt of missing work and caring for my son when he is sick. Obviously, this is a problem for mothers and fathers young or old, but for someone starting out in a career, it definitely does not help you to get promotions and raises when you are missing work/arriving late often due to dealing with your child who is sick/has doctor appointments, etc.Leaving your child with another caretaker for a good part of the day, for most of the week, all year long can make it seem like the time you have with your child is so little—sometimes just the moments before bedtime and early in the morning. It makes me sad in a sense to see my son growing so fast, knowing that soon he will graduating from kindergarten and then high school, and then he will be off on his own. In many ways I feel like I am missing out on these important days of his life. But I also know that I am doing the best I can for him and for our family. Parenting is never easy. We all want the very best for our children and perhaps the worry and guilt is just part of the territory. At the end of the day there is some reassurance that I am doing the right thing. When putting my son to bed, after I tuck him in and kiss his forehead, before he drifts off to sleep, I hear him whisper “love you, mama” and I know that everything is going to be okay.
6 responses so far ↓
1 Rachel // Nov 27, 2007 at 9:11 am
Heidi,
You’re right. Young or old it doesn’t seem to matter. I had a ‘career’ and switched to something that I love, but doesn’t make use of my education and doesn’t financially reward me as much as my education and previous ‘careers’ might predict, so that I could leave at the end of the day.
This essay is extremely timely. Yesterday, I had my daughter with me at work AGAIN. She was with me last Monday too. A dang ear infection, that persists for nearly a month. We’re on our third set of antibiotics and this one has wiped out her intestinal fauna so you can guess the result and so no daycare for her. I do have flexible supervisors, but I wonder how much I can ask of them. How do people do this? How did they do this in the past? What would be a solution? What happens if your work situation isn’t as understanding? It seems to me that we need an institutional/societal structure that provides some support. Perhaps an extended family leave, after the addition of a child to a family, would help support the health of our infants. Other countries recognize the importance of this and how it benefits their economy and society. While I realize that wikipedia isn’t always the most reliable source this section on parental leave jives with my knowledge of other places…
“In most western countries parental leave is available for those who have worked for their current employer for a certain period of time.
An example of generous parental leave is Sweden, where all working parents are entitled to 18 months’ paid leave per child, the cost being shared between employer and State. To encourage greater paternal involvement in child-rearing, a minimum of 3 months out of the 18 is required to be used by the “minority” parent, in practice usually the father, and some Swedish political parties on the Left argue for legislation to oblige families to divide the 18 months equally between both parents. Norway also has similarly generous leave. In Estonia mothers are entitled to 18 months of paid leave, starting up to 70 days before due date. Fathers are entitled to paid leave starting from the third month after birth (paid leave is however available to only one parent at a time). The amount paid depends on wages earned during previous calendar year – most will receive 100% or full wage but there is an upper limit of three times national average.
The maternal-leave only system in Bulgaria is even more generous, providing mothers with 45 days 100% paid sick leave prior the due date, 2 years paid leave, and 1 additional year of unpaid leave. The employer is obliged to restore the mother to the same position upon return to work. In addition, pregnant women and single mothers cannot be fired.
In 2000, parental leave was greatly expanded in Canada from 10 weeks to 35 weeks divided between the two parents, which can be expanded to a year. In Canada parental leave is paid for by the Employment Insurance system.
In the UK, all female employees are entitled to 52 weeks of maternity leave, 39 weeks of which is paid, with the first six weeks paid at 90% of full pay and the remainder at a fixed rate.”
Can you imagine…required that BOTH parents take leave. Paid leave. Why? Why would a society feel it so important that both parents take substantial leave? How is this economical feasible and wise? Perhaps they see the family as an investment. Perhaps parental leave is an investment in the family and in the future health of the children an investment in loyalty of their employees.
If as a society we did this then you wouldn’t feel this…”Sometimes I feel like we are seen as irresponsible and unreliable. When my son is sick and unable to go to daycare I have to take time off work.” & “it definitely does not help you to get promotions and raises when you are missing work/arriving late often due to dealing with your child who is sick/has doctor appointments, etc.”
2 julie // Nov 29, 2007 at 1:20 pm
I think Wikipedia is a fine source. I rely on it heavily, so it better be!
Yeah, part of the prob, in my opinion, is that it’s mothers who take the FMLA, so it sets the precedent of mother-as-caretaker. My husband has way more sick leave than I do, since I took 3 months off a year ago after my son was born, so when our son is sick, it makes more sense for him to use his sick time. While he’s willing to do it–as he damn well should be–it doesn’t come naturally for any of us–I feel somewhat guilty not staying home, guilty for asking him to stay home…I somehow assume that the baby is MY responsibility. I guess it’s the whole body thing, being pregnant? But I imagine it’d be this way if I hadn’t given birth to our baby, if he were adopted. The mother as nurturer–that definition is supported/rewarded by our society, and at the same time I feel punished. I feel like people understand my need to take care of my son more than the understand our family’s expectation that my husband will participate–and I feel that he is rewarded for being more “devoted” to work, and I am similarly taken less seriously for being “devoted” to my family–when in reality we’re both devoted to family and to work–it’s stuff like FMLA that makes it less balanced. I love the idea of the “minority” partner having to take part of the leave time…interesting idea.
3 Heidi // Nov 30, 2007 at 11:05 am
I agree, Rachel, we really need some kind of societal support. We shouldn’t be punished (by being seen as irresponsible employees and losing money for needing to take time off work) for trying to be caring parents! I feel like often times I have to make a choice between keeping my sick baby home and looking like the “slacker employee” and being the “bad” mom who leaves her baby at daycare even if he is sick and passing his illness on to all the other babies. I just wish society was more understanding about the whole situation, and I do think that it is becoming more understanding which gives me hope. Maybe by the time my son is a parent things will be different.
I agree, Julie, It is very interesting about the “minority” parent being required to take part of the leave. I too feel as though I am the primary caretaker for my son. Even though my husband helps and does a lot, I always feel like the main responsibility is mine. I am not completely sure where this comes from? Perhaps, the way I was raised? Gender roles that have been embedded in us?
4 Rachel // Dec 6, 2007 at 7:47 pm
I’m still thinking about this and thinking about how this changes, which brings me back to momsrising.org which Tucsonmama has mentioned previously. What action can I take? What action can my partner and I take? I think the first step maybe connecting with other families. Perhaps watching The Motherhood Manifesto might be a good start? Momsrising.org offer the DVD basically for shipping and handling and the framework to host a party. Check it out here…http://www.party2win.com/momsrising/
also here is a trailer on youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17x235VynTY
There is a local person signed up to host a party, if that doesn’t happen, perhaps we can organize one?
5 Rachel // Dec 6, 2007 at 7:55 pm
Oh, oh…what if a local business establishment was willing to host it? Barrio? Congress?
6 julie // Dec 10, 2007 at 10:30 am
ooh, good idea Rachel! A MomsRising screening. Barrio or Congress are great ideas.